I've had a really interesting two years, ever since I got pregnant with the twins. I'm still not sure if I've learned everything I'm supposed to learn, but I'm pretty sure one of the things I'm supposed to take away is that I'm in serious need of a new life philosophy.
A couple Sundays ago one of the sisters in the ward came up to me after sacrament meeting and said, "You're amazing! How do you do it?" This was after a rather frustrating hour of Todd and I taking turns dragging cranky babies in and out of the chapel. And it was coming from a sister I look up to because she has five well-behaved kids, plays the piano beautifully, and has about a gazillion other talents. I remember thinking to myself, "If only you saw me at home! I LOOK like I have it all together, but I'm really falling apart!"
I'm a recovering perfectionist. Up until I got pregnant with the twins, being a perfectionist worked really well for me. I had enough energy and time to accomplish things in a way that was satisfactory to me, meaning as close to perfect as I could possibly get it. Being a perfectionist gave me awesome grades in school. Being a perfectionist meant people complimented me on a job well done. Being a perfectionist made me feel powerful and in control.
Then I finally got pregnant with the twins, and while I was elated, my boundless energy left. My body was busy gestating, which left me in an exhausted heap on the couch. Walking around Wal-mart was a herculean feat. Getting a load of laundry done was about all I could do in a day. I told myself it was okay, I'd pop those twins out and be back to normal.
The twins came, and then I was in a fight for survival. I told myself it was okay, the twins would soon sleep through the night, and things would go back to normal.
The twins got older and started sleeping at night, but my energy didn't come back. Instead I was anxious all the time about the economy, Todd's job, and my inability to stay on top of things like I used to. Coupled with being locked up indoors during the Arizona summer, and all I can say is I was a mental and emotional mess. And I was really good at hiding it.
I'm still trying to get my feet back under me and try to find some balance. When is it okay to say, "It's enough" without feeling like I'm giving myself an easy out? When can I give myself permission to take a break without feeling like I'm being lazy? When can I make a less-than-perfect effort and feel at peace with myself?
What life philosophies work for you guys? I need a new one, because my old one doesn't fit me anymore.
9 comments:
You are amazing Kristi, I know it! I love the saying..."cleaning the house while the kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk when it is still snowing!" just enjoy...I now have a daughter close to gone....enjoy each moment! And those late night, lock the door bubble baths always seem to help too, lol!
My Life Philosophies:
Who needs people when there's ice cream.
Bite me.
We're not having this conversation.
I don't DIEt.
Apologies if my home looks like someone lives in it.
Embrace our uniqueness.
If you can't find me, then I'm probably hiding in the closet.
If it's that important, then they'll call me back or leave a message.
Don't leave me a message, I might not get to it for a few days.
Don't make New Years Resolutions--they hardly ever get completed.
Use a calculator.
Have a Girl's Night Out.
Twizzlers Rock.
***Use My Life Philosophies at Your Own Risk***
Honestly lady, I always looked at you with straight up envy and admiration when you lived here because you had it ALL TOGETHER. Of course nobody really does but you are right, you give off the impression!
Try this: I WILL DO WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT, AND I WON'T BOTHER WITH THE REST. It's probably a selfish attitude, but it sounds like you could use it!
Ugh. Man I do I feel you. Except wait, I only have the TWO kiddos! Of course I work a little too much, but I guess you could say that is my coping philosophy. It's my way of running away from it all. I do what I'm good at for 5 hours and then I have the confidence to clean the kitchen! I talk to Matt all the time about how worried I am to have more kids, and the main reason is, I don't think I'll be able to juggle the salon and the kids. And then I feel out of control, so I start saying, we're not having more kids for a long time! So I have a feeling after more kids, I'm gonna be saying I need a new life philosphy too. I do like the lock the door bubble baths though. I do that a lot!!
Hi Sis!
You are a great mom and an amazing person. I also have perfectionistic tendencies - surprise, I know - I think that is why it was so hard not having kids for so many years. I felt like I was failing everyone. Anyway, one good thing that came out of that experience is that I have relaxed my expectations some, and am able to better see what is important and frankly, a spotless house is not eternally important. It is still frustrating and overwhelming at times, but I suppose that is part of the normal challenge of life; trying to keep the right balance.
Scriptural support
mosiah 4:27 slow down and
luke 10:38-42 keep an eternal perspective
There's my 2 cents :) Love you! ~Brynn
I think you're amazing too!
Kristi, perhaps our perfectionism is what brought us together initially those early beehive days. But I remember many times in college things not going the way I wanted or had planned...i.e. I would get really sick and I had to humbly realize that I could only do "all that was within my power." The scriptures command us to be "anxiously engaged in a good cause" AND also "be still."
So the best way I've been trying to cope with my anal perfectionism (at varying degrees of success) is the really to spend more time on the weightier matters. Elder Oaks has talked about this a LOT over the years. Every time he does it really resonates with me. So I'm constantly asking myself, "Which is more important in the long run to laugh and play and push my girlies on the swings or that I scrub the bathtub right now?" Don't get me wrong...my house is usually still pretty tidy, because I go crazy otherwise. But I've loosened up a bit and vacuum 1-3 times a week instead of everyday. Also, I think it's good to have some outlets where you still feel some control--I know that the dishes will always be done before I go to bed, even if I accomplished nothing else that day besides chase around Annie and listen to Grace's constant pretend world dialogue. I've also switched my "to-do" lists to a more weekly/monthly basis instead of daily. That way if things are going well, then I can make bread for dinner, or even attempt a craft project. I never know when the stars will exactly align with child neediness, but if the morning is going well I might get a good sweep/mop of the kitchen floor. I just plan to do it sometime between Thursday and Saturday and not worry about it. And there are times when Kevin and I end up doing housework Saturday evening because it didn't get done before then. But I like that too. It's fun working on a project together and for me it is always rewarding to have a clean, calm home on Sunday. Okay this comment is already way longer then anticipated. But my last point is that I think this stage of your twinners can be very demanding and probably will be until they're preschool age. So know that "this too shall pass" and you will one day miss having cheerios all over the floor and when that day comes Easton will tell you his wife is pregnant! :o)
Here's a few links for Elder Oaks general conference talks. The first one is one I read in college that I still LOVE. The second one is more recent.
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=dd0b8d00422fe010VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=12d72bce258f5110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD
Perfectionists unite and fail, fail, fail!
A little bit of failure is liberating, terrifying, and mind-opening isn't it? I'm totally going through this right now. I used to let people pile it on me but I've gotten good at sassing back and saying No. Otherwise I'm breaking down every Sunday night. I know it must be a totally different story with kids though. My mom always says she wished she would have gotten a babysitter more, gone out and done something for herself, and been able to come back home refreshed. The other thing she says is that she wishes she would have prayed and read her scriptures every single day. I know that changes my life every day when I do that little thing.
I wish I lived closer because I would be happy to babysit for free! (That goes for all my family!) I wish I could send you on a spa vacation for 5 days by yourself and 5 days with Todd. That would do the trick!
You are loved, Kristi! You are a wonderful person in every way.
A perfect life: You feel happy more often than not and your kids and hubby know without a doubt that you love them. It doesn't get more perfect than that :)
Granted I don't have 4 wonderfully energetic kids, but when I start feeling like an underachiever, it always helps me to do something out of the ordinary to brighten someone else's day - family, friends, or even a complete stranger. Sure, it doesn't cross anything off my to do list, but somehow it breaks the spell of blues better than scrubbing a toilet spotless for the 3rd time this month!
And, I vote with the others, you are doing amazing even as you struggle with the changes.
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